My heart is heavy today.
I know some of the specific reasons, things like finding out my cousin recently decided to terminate her pregnancy, after going back and forth for awhile. I guess there are still a couple of days in which she could change her mind, but the appointment is set and I’m pretty sure she’ll go through with it. There are a lot of reasons one may choose to have an abortion, and I’m not here to argue for or against them. It’s just that in my cousin’s case, it doesn’t need to happen if she and/or her ex could let down their pride and accept help. It has mind swarming with frantic options, like, could I convince her to have her baby and give it to me? Nevermind I’m not in any position to have a baby right now, but people worse off than me have kids everyday and anything to let the baby live, right? But it’s not going to happen.
And it’s funny thinking of that right now anyway, especially I’ve felt that good ol’ clock starting to tick lately. I’ve taken care of my friend’s sweet three-year-old girl a few times lately and each time I’ve thought about how nice it was, how natural it felt. And being at an age (almost 29, eek!) that not only could I have a 3 year-old-child, but no one would look at me like an irresponsible teen mother, it was sweet to hear people tell me how beautiful my “daughter” was.
I’m feeling a bit homesick too. I’ve loved being here in Buffalo for the past month and a half or so and it’s actually felt surprisingly home-like. It probably shouldn’t surprise me, I have spent a significant part of my life here, as far as time as a lifelong nomad works. I became myself as an adult here, spending the better part of my twenties here. But as I get comfortable here, there’s always the nagging voice in the back of my mind reminding me, “This is not your home. Orlando is your home, and you need to work harder/longer/better to get back there.” Raising funds for my ministry has been long/hard/rough and as I’m no natural optimist, I’m prone to discouragement. Life has gone on in Orlando without me there, and I’m aching to return before all the babies I left behind start school and all these new ones are born (ohh my heart, babies!).
But I think in that is the root of my heavy heart. As much as my head reminds me that Orlando is my home, my heart knows that even that isn’t true. Even as I long for yet another city, yet another place, deep down I know that this world is not my home. I think that my ultimate longing is for God, for my eternal home. This feeling creeps up on me every once in awhile and reminds me that even in my utter brokenness, in my longing for stability, for adventure, for a family of my own, for a community, for a lasting connection with Jesus… that this world is not my home, that someday all the brokenness and death and loneliness and shame will be wiped away, and that someday I will not only feel complete and whole and loved, but I will be.
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
(Lyrics: “After the Storm” by Mumford & Sons, post title: “Kick Drum Heart” by The Avett Brothers)